It's More Gay When You're "OUT"!

     I have always been known as the Mother of all Gays!  As a friend used to say, I lead a “gayistic” crowd.  I am “Mother”, “madir”, “maderaka” and “mudra” to all my adopted gay sons.  I have even imbibed the way they speak or “swardspeak” as others would call it.

     Maybe, it is because I had always been nurturing of gays that they instinctively orbited to my circle.  I also claim that I can smell them out a mile away.  This is just a joke but, mind you, I can spot a gay guy when I see one.  No matter how they try to pass themselves off as pure-blooded men or “paminta”, as my effeminate friends laughingly describe them.

     There must be something in my psyche that rebels against societal restrictions.  I never could rationalize why life is made more difficult because homosexuals don’t hew to the accepted norm. 

     In my days, though, homosexuals didn’t make it easier to be accepted as they would defiantly walk around fully and grotesquely made up with glaring red lipstick and high heels.  Somehow, I was thinking that it could be because almost all the open homosexuals at that time were either working in the “perya” ( town plaza fair) which were cheap affairs or were independent manicurists and/or hair stylists. 

     Even under a strict society, I already made some gay acquaintances since I was curious enough to tag along when our household helpers would venture into the “perya”.  But, they remained acquaintances because my mother would put her foot down on the friendship.  She often said “makakati ang kamay ng mga iyan”  (translation:  they’ve got itchy hands) and implied that they were thieves you cannot welcome into your home. 

     It was, therefore, rather strange that as I aged, I found myself surrounded by gay assistants, consultants, and associates.  Could be the industry I was in; or, could be that times were more accepting of them and getting out of the closet became less difficult.  

     Ironically, life is never less difficult for them.  Most gays, if not all, grow up in an environment of resentment and ridicule – especially from members of their own families.  Fathers are known to beat up their sons as soon as they show signs of feminine mannerisms.  Brothers normally treat them unkindly because they are considered a shame to the family.  Many are thrown out of their homes and forever disowned.  Be that as it may, they grow up relatively stable and happy albeit with a big baggage of angst and latent anger.  Outwardly, they are happy because by the time they reach puberty, they have already formed their own circle of gay friends and they learn to watch out for each other.

  

     The most complicated part of a gay life is their romances.  My more mature gay friends have a common mantra when it comes to love.  That is, they are prepared to send their boyfriends through college, to fund their girl chasing, to fund their lavish weddings and when the married boyfriends have children, they are prepared to be godfathers to the kids. 

     My friend, Monette, is a perfect example of such experience.  Because he hooked up with his boyfriend when the latter was only eighteen, Monette felt an obligation to see to the boyfriend’s success in life.  Monette thinks that is the least he could do for having wrecked his boyfriend's life and having the boyfriend branded by friends and relatives as a “bakla” (gay) too. 

     Despite their living in, the boyfriend formed a liaison with a married woman based in a nearby province.  The woman’s husband was in the US at that time.  Unfortunately or fortunately (however you wish to look at it), the girlfriend got pregnant and bore a son while the husband was away.  On one of the husband’s trip home, the girlfriend requested Monette and their common boyfriend to hide the baby at the gay couple’s home in Manila.   What they did not realize was that the husband was already aware of the illicit relationship through reports from his relatives and the reason for his homecoming was to seek an official separation from the wayward wife. 

     When her marriage ended, the girlfriend demanded that Monette’s boyfriend live with her as her new husband.  The boyfriend refused especially because he was, by now, co-managing a successful business with Monette.  With the baby still in the home of Monette, the girlfriend sued the boyfriend for kidnapping.  Apparently, her family had a lot of clout with the court.        

     As Monette told the story, not only did he foot all legal fees but he likewise almost landed in jail.  In one of the hearings, the witness called was the policeman who accompanied the girlfriend to get the baby from Monette’s abode.  When the policeman took the witness stand, he started lying under oath and Monette was so horrified by it that he started rebutting all the policeman’s claims without benefit of legal intervention.  The two, Monette and policeman, got entangled in a loud screaming bout and the judge found them in contempt of court.  To punish both, the judge sent them off and had them locked up in an isolated room – TOGETHER!  In fairness, the policeman simply kept quiet the whole day that they were locked up.  He just smoked that by late afternoon, Monette admonished the policeman, “Ikaw kasi!  Ayan tuloy, pareho na tayong nakulong wala naman tayong kinalaman sa kaso!” (It’s your fault.  Now, we both landed in jail when we have nothing to do with the case!)  The policeman simply started laughing and they both ended up laughing at their own foolishness. 

     I could not stop laughing either at Monette’s narration because he said that, “Imagine, Mama, my boyfriend has not yet been found guilty, I was already in jail! I was readying myself to visit him every day in jail but did not anticipate that I will be the one in it first!”

     Ultimately, the case was settled between Monette’s boyfriend and his married girlfriend.  In fact, the two continued with their relationship and two more boys were borne to them.  Complicated as it was, Monette stayed in this relationship, too, and continued to share his home and business with this boyfriend and his children.

     Sadly, four months after giving birth to the youngest son, the girlfriend died of cancer.  She expressed her last wish that Monette should be the one to bring up her children.

     This was long ago and Monette now boasts of two grown up sons and a teenager; all sons love him like they would an authentic mother.  The kicker is that Monette’s boyfriend got married a few years back and now, Monette has another baby to care for. 

     His situation looks tedious to me but I can assure you – Monette is one happy gay guy who gets to be what most women would like to be.  A queen in his own home with well-adjusted sons to show for it!

     This is exactly the opposite of closet gays who pretend to be real men and who marry just to prove their masculinity or to cover their feminine tendencies.  

     An In-law, for example, got married while no one was still aware of his homosexuality.  In due course, the wife discovered his sexual preference and she simply left him.  She did this, of course, after cleaning out their joint bank accounts and the safety boxes in various banks.   Ha-ha-ha!!!  Eventually, he “out”ed himself and family members found out he was having an affair with his driver. 

     The Hubby had a friend whom many suspect to be gay.  Until now, though, he keeps up the pretenses and tries to come off like he is macho!  He married a very sweet, charming lady who was highly educated.  Throughout the marriage, he made her life so miserable despite the fact that they had three children.  I had this notion that he also physically abused her but The Hubby is one loyal fellow who kept on defending his friend.  I found out for sure from his trusted assistant that I was not wrong.  The assistant had personally seen him slap his wife a few times and that was only in the office.  What transpired in their own home was never known because the wife never said anything.  It may have become quite untenable for her that she finally made arrangements to run away from him.  Before this friend knew what happened, his wife and children were well ensconced in Guam!  And, that was the last he heard of them until his daughter started online communications when she started college.  Not to ask for money, mind you, but simply to say hello.  In the meantime, as proper for the image he had been trying to maintain, he lived-in with a string of women.  The latest paramour bore him a daughter but she had been threatening to leave every now and then and to his face, had accused him of being “bakla” even in front of his employees.  

     I cannot discern what runs through the minds of this kind of men.  They may or may not be able to accept their homosexuality but to share in their distress, they use women to cover it up.  Not only do they continue to hide behind a false public image but they manage to devastate the lives of unwitting women as well as the lives of the children that their unions will produce.   

     I ponder over the big question of whether it is morally better to be openly gay or to hide behind a façade and stay in misery as well as inflict misery on some others.        

     Someone gay told me before that, in time, he intends to marry and start his own family.

     I believe, however, that before he even thinks of marrying, he should be honest in admitting his tendencies in fairness to his intended wife.  After all, there are many marriages between gay guys and women that have remained steadfast with the passing of time.   

     At the end of the day, it is still more gay to be “out” in the open.