Saying Goodbye

     I got a message yesterday from a young friend who has been trying hard to patch things up and reconcile two other ex-friends.  Out of frustration perhaps, this friend sought information from me as to the reason for the split.  Apparently, she had approached both friends and while Friend X was willing to patch things up, Friend Y was not.  Friend X professed not to know what the reason was for the sudden remoteness and indifference of Friend Y to him.  I had been unable to enlighten her because I treat whatever revelations there might have been as confidential unless given permission to talk about it.  All I could do was to advise this young friend to just let it be.  Some people never being destined to be together for long. 

     I added, though, that while the friendship lasts, we should all strive to make good memories together and when the time comes to part, to wish each other well.  Some may think this to be such a cold approach but as I have said before, I had been there and done that.  And, I have realized that despite the fact that some relationships have no formal closure, we manage to move on only because we have good memories of the time spent on the relationship. 

     I had this friend that I truly, truly loved!  We could have been two peas in a pod.  Both talkative, smart (ahem), and scheming, we spent endless hours on the phone planning our next attack on the human race in general.  We had our ups and downs, quarrels where we would not speak for months and months.  My cousin, Lyja, always attributed it to our conflicting Chinese signs.  He was a Monkey whle I was a Tiger and according to Lyja, we are just not meant to get involved in anything together.  It’s not good “chi”!  But, always, things were ironed out in the long run, mostly due to his efforts, and we would get together closer and rowdier than before. 

     Being gay, this friend was practically a pariah in his own family.  My family, on the other hand, welcomed him with sincere warmth and affection; and, always, he was treated with respect as all older members of the family deserve.  I never minded playing second fiddle to his ego either.  When he was invited to give a speech somewhere in a high end hotel, I did not mind asking The Hubby to drive him there and me acting as some sort of assistant carrying his briefcase and notes.  After we dropped him off, The Hubby and I took in a movie and waited for him to finish his business so we could pick him up at the hotel lobby – all to impress his hosts.  I always rounded up my daughters to assist in the events that he organized.  We always pretended that I was his assistant because his real hired assistants never lasted long.  What with his erratic temper!   We often started our day with our own version of “kapihan” (coffee session)  – on the phone.  He was somewhere at the far end of Quezon City while I was in the center of Manila.  The Hubby could always tell when this friend is on the line with me because of my raucous laughter.

     His weakness was in the way he managed his finances.  Often he would ask me to issue him blank checks for some unknown payee and fail to cover part of the amounts.  With another friend, he asked her to come along for an antique hunting trip where she bought so many items that he said he needed for a house he was decorating.  Of course, that was the last she saw of her items and money.  He hid from all of us for quite a while after that incident and only reappeared a year after.  I don’t know how he settled all of his obligations to this other friend but she later told me that in a friendship with him, we all just needed to decide which is more important for us – our money or our friend.   Needless to say, I had always chosen my friend.  Maybe some crazy part of me needed the unbalance he often provided.  Besides, I knew him also as a very generous person.  When I had someone come to me for help because this person could not pay her electric bills, I called my friend and asked if he was willing to go half and half with me to foot the bill.  I did not have enough spare cash then to cover the entire bill and I did not intend to collect the amount in the future even if the person was asking for a “loan”.  My friend readily agreed and sent the money to my bank the next day.   One Christmas, he decided he would single-handedly bring orphans to the Fiesta Carnival so they could enjoy the rides.  He automatically roped me in and I spent early morning cooking up big casseroles of pasta and preparing sandwiches for snacks.  Another Christmas eve had us travelling through the crowded streets of Metro Manila to locate a halfway house that we bought rice, t-shirts and some other necessities to donate to.  As usual, the ludicrous search for the right address was inundated with loud laughter and ridiculous tales! 

     He was just the kind of friend that was thoughtful and caring.  Even when we would talk on the phone every day, I would receive a thank-you card or some other silly items from him through the mail.   In fact, I had appointed him as the only member of the Comite de Festejos (Committee on Festivities) for my own wake.  Whenever he received a balikbayan box from his brother in the US, he would immediately search through the box for items that he could hand over to me.  It turned out that his brother bought branded items that had been returned or exchanged in exclusive boutiques in Beverly Hills at very, very low prices.  My friend was tasked to sell them in the Philippines and send the proceeds to his brother.  So, at a time when branded was not yet the rage, I already enjoyed having Ferragamo, Vuitton, and Nine West added to my own measly collection. 

     Christmas holidays have always been special for my family.  During these times, our home was always open especially to those who had no family to speak of.  We normally invited friends whose families were in the province or those who really did not belong to anyone.  Throughout the more than twenty years of relationship, this friend had always been with us on Christmas and New Year’s eves whenever he was in the Philippines.  On one particular Christmas eve, he failed to show for Noche Buena despite his confirmation that he would be with us.  The curious thing was that he left a box of ensaymada for our family at the reception area which meant that he did get to our place.  I tried to call him but the calls were unanswered.  Early into the new year, I was able to get through over the phone but he was succinct and cold.  Thinking that he was going through one of those tantrums, I allowed him time to get over this slump.  After a few weeks, I tried calling again but he was remote and strange.  After a few more tries to connect with him, I gave up.  From then, the friendship vanished into thin air. 

     A few years after, I woke from sleep with the image of him in distress.  The first thing I did was to call him and say hello.  Just to check how he was doing.  Again, he was remote and cold.  After that, I just closed my mind to any reconciliation. 

     I never knew what the reason was that this friendship ended.  It might have been my fault or it might have been his.  He may have outgrown our relationship, who knows.  But always, always, I remember him with fondness and affection.  I never regret the years I spent with him – chatting, laughing, planning, scheming, supporting, assisting and just being human.  Always, he would occupy a special space in my heart – a space that I visit now and then and smile.  I just hope he, too, may have good memories of me.